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Surprise! Listen carefully as you read...
Hi Caroline,
This is probably not the page you thought you would find, but it is one of the few ways I know to communicate my feelings! I can't guarantee what I write will make sense, but it does come from the heart, so it really doesn't have to make any sense!
I will start by saying, I hope you you have learned to trust me even though you barely know me. I have been very honest and forthcoming with you. I know the world is an awful place at times and it is hard to know when to let your guard down and I also know how people will 'use' others for their own personal gains. That's not me though. If I give you my word, you can believe I will carry out whatever I have promised. There really are good people out there who would be lucky to know you as I have.
I don't know your whole story and it appears I have run out of time to learn more about you. I know you haven't had it easy and I believe that is part of the attraction I have for you. It is what makes you so real. I rarely meet anyone who does not try to 'sugarcoat' their life. With you it is all right there in the open. No, I don't pretend to know you, but what I do know hasn't scared me off yet. We are not all that different at our cores. We've both struggled and overcome. We've both loved and been hurt many times. I believe it is these these things that make us who we are now.
You asked me why I would give you a ready to go, income generating website with no strings attached. I told you it was because I cared about you, but that is only part of the puzzle! It is also my way of thanking you for giving me a great gift! Ok, your probably asking what you have given me? It is something that I can not put a dollar value on. It is something that has made me a different person. You gave me my self confidence back! I can't thank you enough for this very special gift! Believe it or not, I am not one to speak to girls I don't know. You were different. When I met you last year, all I wanted was to talk to you and spend time with you. I literally couldn't help myself around you!
When you walked into Holidayz last month and I saw you again after all that time apart, I couldn't believe you were there and actually wanted to see me! Heck, I'm just a simple 'computer geek' without a clue on how to 'get the girl'. Before you got there that night, all I wanted to do was leave, then Johnny told me you were on your way and my heart skipped a beat and a team of wild horses couldn't have removed me from my seat! You were more beautiful than I remembered! You had been my fantasy for a year and yet, there you were walking towards me! Me! The geek! It was like a dream come true.
Later that night at Wal-Mart when you kissed me for the first time, I couldn't help but ask myself why, what could this beautiful woman see in me? To you it was probably just a kiss, but to me it meant everything and literally changed my life in an instant! It had been a long time since I felt so good, so very good. It is a memory I will cherish till the end of my days. Then after I left for a week and you came to the house with Amanda, it was all I could do not to jump up and wrap my arms around you and kiss you again. We know how that night went and although it didn't go as well as I now wish it had, it is a night that lives in me now and no one can take that away. The next week I can honestly say was magical! I felt we were growing so close that nothing could pull us apart.
I was wrong. You later asked me to do something for you and your kids, and I couldn't pull it off with such short notice. I felt small again and it really hurt me to disappoint you. That was the night I lost you. The night you stopped kissing me. Stopped everything and pushed me away. I had no clue what I had done. There was no explanation from you, nothing. That is what hurt the most. I have waited for the last several weeks for some glimmer of hope from you. It never came. I'm ok with it. I know your heart belongs to another, and I hope he can make you happy going forward with your life. You deserve to be happy, don't let anybody tell you otherwise!
You have shown a lot of courage in your fight to get your kids back and I deeply respect you for that. You faced some major obsticles and you overcame them. That is how dreams are built and realized. You never quit, that makes you a winner in my book. The world isn't really a bad place, but it is only as good as we make it and you are on the right track so stay the course and raise those wonderful kids with all the love you can muster! It will be hard and it will be scary... but it will be the most important thing you ever do! You already know this, but I believe it is good to have some re-enforcement sometimes.
I enjoyed meeting your your Dad and stepmom. I was amazed how comfortable I was around them! You have a great support system that many people would be envious of. I pray your dad can retire happily and not have so many worries. Of course he should have one less worry knowing his little girl has her family back.
Guess I should end this 'corny' letter before I bore you to tears! I just want you to know that you have more than you realize and lots of potential lies ahead. I do love you and there is no way I can pretend I don't, but I do love you enough to let you go and make you future what you want it to be - even if it doesn't include me by your side. I will have less contact with you in the future as it really hurts trying to break into your heart while it is already occupied. That is just too much stress that you and your kids (yes, and me) don't need now and I will now gracefully bow out and say farewell (not goodbye)...
Until we meet again, be well and be happy - you are loved!
Paul
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